I have been a mama now for 3 years. It is my full-time job. I love it. I’m really good at it. And, I love Finn. He’s the best part about my job.
On Sunday, Finn turned three. We spent the day playing with sailboats. There is a pond in Seattle where you can launch a sailboat and spend the afternoon watching as it sails, chasing it down, and then, launching it again. The wind was just right, the sun was shining, and the air was crisp. There was delight in that place. We soaked it in. Then, as it was time to go we returned our toy boat, took the short walk to Lake Union, step into a sailboat, and let peace settle on us as we moved across the water. Each of us calm, happy, and enjoying being together. Blessed by Life.
Each year, at the approach of Finn’s birthday, Kendall and I open ourselves wide as we gather up all that has happened in his life and join him in turning to all that will happen. It is a gift to hold his memories for him until he is able to hold them for himself. It is likely that he will not remember the day he turned 3– the boats, the laughing, the peace. There are moments so breathtakingly great that I mourn the fact he may not remember them. But, then I realize that I also mourn the fact that I may not remember them. And, as I grieve this, I remind myself of this: They will always be there, whether I can reach them or not. They will float down like leaves, layering upon each other, creating the depth of my knowledge of him and myself.
I want to tell him how much I love him, but I do not know how to even grasp it myself. ”How much do I love you? So much!” Then, we both laugh. He may never know the depths of my love, but this child knows love. When I get mad at him he will say, “Mama, you love me so much.” He is reminding us both. In the midst of both of our upset, he can access this. He knows its importance. And, it serves as an encouragement to me to love better.
I think this is one of the greatest gifts that being a mama has given me: The challenge to love better all the time.