Spoon Theory and Mental Health

Change takes time and the steps toward change need to be a balance between challenging but doable. If we are failing repeatedly to make a desired change one of the reasons could be that we’ve made the step, or steps, to take too big. When we are working toward a certain outcome, the number and kind of steps we break the journey into on our way to achieving that goal has nothing to do with anyone else and their abilities. It has nothing to do with what we perceive we should be able to do, how easy we think it should be or how long we think it should take–which are all usually based on comparisons to and assumptions made about other people or even to previous version of ourselves. It has to do with taking realistic stock of what we are in fact able to do right now.

Just because we’ve reached a certain age where we think we should know how to do something, doesn’t mean we actually know how to do it. Often we either assume we have the ability whether or not we do or if we do have self awareness of those gaps within our knowledge we feel shame for it. “Should” based thinking is often really toxic and is a platform for beating ourselves or others up emotionally. From there it is easy for discouragement, depressive patterns and despair to take hold; all of which perpetuate thoughts and behavior that sabotage attempts at growth and change. We convince ourselves that we are just fucked up, broken or unable to accomplish our goals, when really it’s often that we didn’t customize the steps to our own situation and needs.

Developmentally most children can learn to read around 6 or 7 years old. That’s if we’ve been taught, or had the unusual ability to teach ourselves to read. If we didn’t learn how to read as a child, just because we reach adulthood, are developmentally capable of reading and people generally expect us to be able to (we should know how to read), doesn’t mean we suddenly will know how to. We still have to do the work of learning. This is from an article in Forbes:

According to the U.S. Department of Education, 54% of U.S. adults 16-74 years old - about 130 million people - lack proficiency in literacy, reading below the equivalent of a sixth-grade level.

I share this because it illustrates that developmental capacity doesn’t automatically generate developmental ability. If we don’t have the access, support or drive to learn something then we don’t learn it. There are similarities with our physical bodies as well. Just because we have a body that has the capacity to be healthy and fit doesn’t mean that we have the knowledge, access or are taking the necessary actions to actually obtain health and fitness. Emotional intelligence and mental health are no exception.

Often we assume that it is everyone else that is the problem. Unfortunately, many people assume they have more emotional and mental health than they actually do. With all the shoulds, stigma and shame around mental health and emotions in general (how many times have you heard someone say “I’m not emotional” as a point of pride?) it makes sense that people would choose to assume they are fine rather than go poking around, self reflecting when we might find hard truths about ourselves.

Yet, if we were all as mentally healthy as many people assume we wouldn’t have the massive amounts of abuse happening daily across a wide array of topics. Everywhere from the workplace, people whose services we are paying to use, family, friends and neighbors to the widespread systematic abuse and oppression that is only possible because of the people perpetuating those systems we are faced with our own and other people’s mental unwellness. Chronic defensiveness, not taking responsibility, manipulation, dissociation, absence of empathy and emotional awareness, abusive behavior happen both intentionally and unintentionally as our own unhealed wounds leak out. It’s nowhere close to being limited to a minority of the population, and while it’s easy to shift the blame to “others”, that’s less true than many would like to believe.

Hopefully, as we realize gaps in our own emotional intelligence, mental health and general wellbeing, that awareness may lead us to want to shed unhealthy ways of interacting with ourselves and the world. That means that those of us who are gaining clarity about the truth regarding our mental health and emotional intelligence, can face the often frustrating and sometimes embarrassing challenge of learning emotional skills for the first time as an adult. Like the seemingly simple but actually difficult lesson of learning to accept healthy boundaries.

We have dreams and visions for what we want our life to be like. Often, we come into adulthood with grand plans. I’m an unapologetic idealist and I think meaningful, dreamy prospects for our lives should be gone after with gumption. The problem often isn’t the dream, the problem is the reality of what we are willing to do, how much effort and time it will take to achieve that dream and what we are willing to sacrifice for it.

There is a term used in chronic illness, “spoons”. The Spoon Theory was coined by Christine Miserandino to explain the impact that Lupus had on her energy when talking to friends. Those of us with chronic illness have a limited amount of energy, “spoons”, to do our daily tasks. If you start out with 5 spoons and doing dishes takes 4 spoons then you have 1 spoon left to get you through the rest of the day. Three of the four members of my family now have chronic illness due to COVID, so the idea of spoons is one we know well. We may now be able to go on a bike ride or do dishes, but that may use not only all of our spoons for the day but for the following few days as well. When I was finally well enough to stand, about 6 months after becoming ill, just standing for a few minutes would use all of my spoons for the entire week. All of my symptoms would intensify, I would be in intense pain and unable to get out of bed for a week just because I stood for a few minutes.

The Spoon Theory also applies to how much mental and emotional energy I expend. Writing uses a lot of spoons and often, after writing, I will struggle to remember simple words, form sentences properly or understand what someone is explaining to me. In that one situation, I can look like I’m well but I’ve used everything I have on that it and I have to spend, sometimes weeks, recovering.

Here is where I think this perspective and understanding is helpful with regard to emotional or mental growth. Being realistic about how many spoons it takes for us to do something is critical to setting ourselves up for success and not being disappointed in who we are as a person when we can’t sustain a certain change in our lives at a certain level of intensity. Again, it doesn’t matter how easy, or hard, something seems to be for someone else. What matters is being honest and understanding with ourselves about how difficult it is for us.

I didn’t grow up playing. When I had kids I didn’t know how to play with them. It seemed like it should be easy or fun, but it wasn’t. It was overwhelming and I dreaded it while simultaneously forcing myself to do it because I wanted to connect with them and it’s the kind of mama I wanted to be. I put the pressure on myself to be that kind of mama immediately even though I’d never done this before, not even as a kid myself. The result was that I was burned out all the time, not enjoying time with my kids, doing a lot of pretending and feeling terrible about myself.

I was planning everyday as my childhood fantasy of baking together, having tea parties, playing legos, tromping through the forest to find woodland faeries, snuggling and reading books, and creating puppet shows on a handmade set. All of this play wrapped up at the end of the day with bubble baths, a warm glass of milk and a snack, snuggles, and a story in bed. Looking at it from the outside I was knocking it out of the park. At the same time, I was struggling to stay mentally and emotionally present while doing it. I felt like I was always looking for the exit because I was mentally and emotionally exhausting ourselves. In running they talk about how 80 percent of your runs should be at around 75% (conversational, breathing in and out your nose pace) while 20% of them should be at 90% so you are continuing to grow. If everytime you go on a run you think, “Fuck how am I going to do this?” then you are pushing too hard during your 80% time. The same applies to mental and emotional growth. During this time in my parenting, everyday I was going at 90% and because of this I often just felt completely burnt out. All the while, trying to hide all of this from my kids.

When I was honest with myself about where I was emotionally and mentally–that playing was hard for me–I was able to make a plan that helped me to achieve the dreams I had for myself and my relationship with my kids. Instead of attempting to be the idea of a perfect mama, I started being myself with my own abilities. Remembering that I was ok and they’d be ok. I still wanted to be a mama that played with my kids, but I wanted to enjoy it and I wanted to play with them in a way that felt more authentic. I set down the idea and embraced the reality in order that I could pursue my ideal. In reality I could stay present for 10 minutes playing with them. That’s where I started.

It wasn’t easy. I didn’t come upon this suddenly. It was a gradual change as I found my way to what worked for me. Playing and connecting for 10 minutes did not fill our emotional and relational tanks. That’s why it wasn’t the finish line. It was a step toward the finish line. It was a challenge to be completely present for those 10 minutes, but I was able to do it and I wasn’t looking for the exit. Over time, as my emotional, mental and attachment stamina grew, I increased the time I was able to fully participate in an activity with them. I also started having more one on one time with them instead of all of our connection taking place as a group.

Now I rarely think about it. I really like my kids and they like me. They know me. The real me, not the idea of a mama, but a fully fleshed out whole person.

We often think of those steps along the way to healing as failures, letting ourselves or others down, because they are not where we want to be (the finish line). It’s not failing. When we run a race we aren’t failing the entire time until we cross the finish line. We are working toward a goal.

I think that we are all capable of incredible growth, healing and health. It takes work, time, creativity and the art of perseverance. It’s fine to think about quitting or to even quit for a time but if it’s meaningful to you, come back to it. Keep finding your way toward your dreams and health.

• Topics:
• Mental Health
• Chronic Illness