Supporting Loved Ones in Crisis

Changing the way we think about helping people

A crisis is a life-altering situation in a person or family’s life. A crisis can be physical, emotional/mental, financial or relational. Death, job loss, high-conflict in an intimate relationship, financial insecurity, housing insecurity, severe physical illness, chronic physical illness, loss of physical, mental or emotional ability, mental illness, CPTSD and PTSD are all examples of crises. 

Many people in crisis get most of their support from others who are going through a similar crisis and often haven’t received much support from friends and family. We lean on other people in crisis because often they are the only ones who listen and understand. It is beautiful that those people in crisis are willing to offer their crumbs to support another human. Yet, it is ugly that those who have the most are the most self absorbed and the least willing to part with their comfort in order to be there for someone they say they care about. 

Too many people aren’t willing to step up, get their hands dirty and step into an area of difficulty. Studies show that people in a crisis are often abandoned by the majority of their friends and family. I’ve been through multiple crises in my life and have experienced this to be true every time. People are too busy, it makes them too sad, it brings them down, they are uncomfortable, don’t know the right thing to say or do and aren’t willing to take the risk to learn either–all excuses made by people who are not in crisis to excuse their neglectful behavior. 

Instead of reaching out to the person they claim they care about, they make it about them. Helping people who are in crisis is not about you and your needs and comfort. It’s about the person and family in need of your support. Our culture consistently panders to the fragile egos of people who are privileged and burdens the people who are not with relational, emotional, educational responsibility as well as personal and social vulnerability. This is broken. 

When a person or family is in crisis, in one or multiple areas of their life, they do not have time or energy to educate other people about the crisis they’re experiencing. There is no room to help other people help them. They are surviving. Every ounce of energy is going toward staying afloat in the storm. It’s up to friends and family to solve the problem of supporting them, not up to the person or family in crisis to solve the problem of being supported. They are already using everything they have to support themselves. We (collectively) need to step up and understand that there are people in our lives who are experiencing crises and if we want to help it’s up to us to figure out what is actually helpful to them. So as to not place another burden on these people we love who are experiencing crisis. 

Being with someone in crisis means getting your hands dirty. You are going to hurt, see their mess, their pain, their suffering and it is not their job to support you. It is your job to find your own support, so you can continue to support them.

If you ask if there is anything you can do, actually listen and engage when they do say they have a need. Many people offer, very few actually step in and act. Do not ask if there is anything you can do or offer to do something to help someone in crisis and not do it, it’s cruel. It is like offering food to a person who is starving and then just not getting around to it. A hard but essential question is, are you offering to make yourself feel better or to actually ease their burden?

Here are some ideas….

Finding your way through a crisis is costly in every way 

Start a GoFund me for medical expenses, house cleaning, pet care, groceries, lawn care, vacation, fun activities. Or see if you can coordinate paying for and setting up house cleaning for when the person or family is at appointments or out of the house. Pay for and set up weekly laundry service.

If they tell you what they need, do that

Don’t get creative and do something that sounds more fun or interesting or that you think is better. People in crisis are walking a tightrope everyday. They are the only experts at their situation. When they say something they need, that is what they mean. If you want to do something in addition to that, then that is great but don’t make substitutions. 

Beauty is even more important in times of crises 

Find beauty and offer it to them. Photos. Artwork. Poetry. Movies. Music. Books. Massage. Acupuncture. Acupressure. One friend sends me beautiful photos. When I was first working through CPTSD a friend set me up with an acupressure appointment. They both made me feel more human, cared for and connected. They kept me tethered to a world that holds more than just pain when excruciating pain is almost all I was experiencing.

Initiate connection with no emotional or obligation strings attached

You can check in on them and ask what would feel good to them, to share the particulars of their crises, have a beverage together virtually or in-person if able, bring a book and sit with the person if they are able to have in person company but unable to socialize, play a board game together virtually or in person (we had a friend do this virtually with our kids when I was in critical condition and it was the only time they didn’t feel completely alone). 

Listen and be supportive

When the person talks about their hardship do not do anything to minimize it. Realize that it is exactly as bad as they say it is. It still shocks me how people try to paste their own experience over mine or flat out erase it because they are unable to hold the reality of MY situation. If it is a struggle for you to even listen to what someone is going through, imagine what it is for them to live through it. While people in crisis desperately wish for a magic button to end the turmoil, there isn’t one. You get to walk away. They don’t. Listen, be present, emotionally intelligent and non-judgmental. Don’t offer advice unless asked. Be empathetic and recognize the privilege of someone sharing something so vulnerable and intimate with you.

Be reliable

The last thing a person or family in crisis needs to deal with is more disappointment and unpredictability. If you say you are going to do something, if you make an offer to help, do it. We are more used to people flaking out on us during crises than being there for us, so communicate that you are on it and they don’t have to be.

Acknowledge the emotional and time effort the person makes in order to help you help them

This may seem confusing. In fact, most of this is likely confusing to most people and that’s why it’s such a widespread problem. People in crisis often tiptoe around the feelings of “helpers” so that they don’t get their feelings hurt. However, that just perpetuates the problem and the messed up dynamic of the person in need being the emotional caretaker of the person not in need. There are many times where it takes more work than it is worth to get someone up to speed so they can help you. They have to use too many of their precious spoons so that you can do one act of support and for that reason it isn’t actually helpful. 

If you are going to offer to help and make the effort on both of your parts to get up to speed on their particular needs, such as making a meal to someone in crisis with particular food requirements, don’t make one meal, make many. The point is to ease the burden of the person or family in crisis. The amount of time and energy it takes to communicate food requirements completely negates the energy benefit of someone else making the meal when it is just one meal. The amount of vulnerability required to communicate complicated needs can mean that offering to make one meal is actually a burden on the person or family. Show up week after week, month after month with that meal that actually unburdens them because something actually is taken off their plate and they can count on you. 

Accept that the person or family is not going to be at their best

Going through crisis takes a huge toll. Be empathetic and understanding in response. Give them support to use their limited resources as they need to in order to survive. This doesn’t mean not having boundaries, being their emotional punching bag or being at their whim. It means being realistic about what one person can handle well at one time and be fair about your expectations.

Help with administrative work

Bills, appointments, errands, ordering medicine, insurance companies, treatments, etc. And respect the massive vulnerability it takes to let others into those private intimate spaces.

Treat them like a person

Grow the capacity to hold the full spectrum of the person you are caring for. Have sensitivity for the enormity of experience they are going through while also knowing it is not all of who they are. Be sensitive but do not treat them or see them as fragile or incapable; they are showing everyone everyday that they are strong. Do not make the person struggling the crisis they are going through. See the person.

Keep showing up

Crisis isn’t pretty and crisis is often long. People can get caught up in the emotional high at the beginning, the drama and then fade off. Keep showing up. If it’s hard for you as someone not going through it then imagine how hard it is for the person going through it. Follow their lead with regard to when they need closeness and space, but don’t disappear. One of the most common experiences of people in crisis is being forgotten and abandoned by people they thought cared about them.

We all collectively and individually need to be able to step into these difficult situations to offer up support for people in crisis. People talk about wanting change in the world for the better, being there for those we care and love is doing that. Being willing to step toward struggle to ease suffering is the definition of compassion. When we step into support someone in crisis, we are creating resilience, reducing trauma and suffering and spreading love. It will show us where we need to grow and what our strengths are. We will get to see the depth of love, strength and beauty that is only visible within the spectrum of vulnerability. 

• Topics:
• Chronic Illness