Name the Shame

We all experience shame. Take a moment and think about something in your life that you feel shame about. I’ll let you know right now that that shame is NOT going to like this. But picture it, hold it, make sure it can’t hide itself, just for the next 10 minutes.

What is shame?

We will not be tackling a textbook or scientific definition of shame, what I want to focus on is what it feels like to experience shame. When I think of areas of my life where I have, or currently, experience shame, I tend to do whatever I can to not talk about it, explore it, reflect on it. It’s too scary, too… shameful. Everyone experiences different levels and layers of shame. For some, it’s short-lived and can be used to help us get actual behaviors to match intended behaviors. For example, when I yell at my son for spilling something in the car, I feel shame. That’s not how I want to behave, and I would be super embarrassed if anyone saw me do that. There is the “guilt” aspect of shame, but there is more. It’s that I don’t want it pointed out to me (I get defensive), I just want to pretend that that episode didn’t happen, and I’m a great father. If you saw me yell at my son, and that was the only interaction you have had with me, you’d likely think, “Wow, that dude has some issues, he really overreacted there”. And you’d be right. But I don’t want you to be right, so I tuck that away, and pretend that it never happened. Like I said, if you were to bring that up to me, I’d be defensive, and we’d probably get into quite a dust up. I’d excuse myself, defend myself, downplay the significance or the magnitude of the interaction. All because I was ashamed of my behavior.

How does shame affect us?

Thankfully, this shame can be a catalyst for us. We can take that shame and understand it, and then adjust our behavior so we don’t feel that way anymore. Continuing with the example of me yelling at my son, after I did that, I reflected about who I was as a papa. And I didn’t like it. I will also admit that in the moment, I was distant, and defensive to everyone in the car with me. Again, that’s what shame does. It tries to distance us from other people. Shame was trying to tell me that I am a terrible papa. What kind of papa yells at their kid for spilling something? Shame is powerful. Thanks to the emotional work I’ve done alongside my wife, and my therapist, I know enough about shame to know what it wants. And I have begun the work to understand shame, and try to loosen its grip on the areas of my life that have been held down by the weight of shame for so long. As I continued to drive, in a cold silence, I reflected on what kind of papa I actually wanted to be. I knew that I didn’t want to be the kind of papa that would yell at a kid for a spill. At that point there was still shame there, because I didn’t want to talk about it. It did prompt me to self-reflect, but that is it.

I was able to work to get to a place where I was able to see myself as a papa without that being the defining moment, or characteristic about myself. That was a moment, it wasn’t cool, but it was a moment. That moment didn’t define me as a papa in the same way that a moment of patience, or generosity defines me as a papa. It’s all part of the same me. I have been able to use that interaction with my son as a jumping off point for who I want to be, and what kind of a papa I want to become. I did end up getting to the place where I wasn’t sitting in the darkness of that behavior alone, pretending it didn’t happen. Everyone else around me saw it, and knew what happened, so after I realized that that moment didn’t define me, and my parenthood, I was able to engage with my family about what happened.

What can we do about shame?

The cure for being scared of the darkness is two-fold. First, learning that the darkness, in this case shame, cannot destroy us. That we are larger and stronger than the emotional experience of shame. This has been my biggest hurdle. In places where I experience shame, like in the car that day, it feels like if my behavior was known, or talked about openly, that I would die. It doesn’t have to be behavior, it can be thoughts, feelings, beliefs, anything about ourselves that are coated is shame. The thoughts, feelings and beliefs don’t even need to be true for us to feel taken under by shame.

This is where the second thing we can do to neutralize shame comes in and it’s exactly what we’re doing here. Talking about it. Shame loses its hold on us when we speak about it. It brings light to the darkness that shame likes to live in. If we believe something about ourselves, whether it’s that we feel like our body is too big, or too small. Who we love, how we vote, if we can fit into the pants we got last year. All of these things are ripe opportunities for shame. Anything can be. When we talk to other people, our friends, family, co-workers, therapists, teachers, anyone, we learn that we’re not alone. There are people like you, and like me all over the place. That shameful thing that you are thinking of, I guarantee that there is someone very close to you (either physically or emotionally) that feels the same thing as you. I know my shame likes to tell me: “That’s impossible.” “It’s different.” “Yeah but…”. I can assure you that you are not alone.

The next part tends to be the hardest part. It takes bravery, and courage. I know you can do it. I believe in you that you can be brave and talk about whatever shame you’re holding. If you have a trusted friend, partner, therapist, reach out to them, and share this thing that you’ve been holding—this shame that has been holding you.

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If you feel like you are able to hold space for someone else’s shame, please share this newsletter with them, or with everyone you know. It’s time that shame lost its hold on our lives and that we can come together with trusted friends and unburden ourselves from shame.

• Topics:
• Mental Health